Is it true that modern relationships differ so much from what was referred to as a relationship 50 years ago? Things change, life changes, and so do people’s needs and preferences in relationships. That isn’t as unusual as many would like to portray it.
But, one thing that stands out as one of the main differences in modern and old-school relationships is a couple’s relationship to the bed. And no, we are not referring to intercourse. We are referring to the act of actually sleeping together (and the time when both partners go to bed).
Now, before we get into the topic of couples and sleeping, it is important to tackle one important question, and that is whether or not is the couple living together. Because couples who live separately in their own places are generally less likely to develop such routines like going to bed at the same time. People in such relationships are more individual compared to couples who actually live together.
But more on that later.
Now, if you’re interested to see whether you and your partner should go to bed at the same time, then keep on scrolling!
Is It Important For Couples To Go To Bed At The Same Time?
The Notion of Living Together and Couple’s Routine
Most of the time, when you live with your partner, both of you start syncing with each other and becoming more and more similar in your day-to-day routine. And, that is completely normal. You unconsciously start mimicking each other’s personality traits, actions, choices, and daily routines. That’s how you manage to function as a couple, rather than two individuals who are just sharing space. Being a couple shouldn’t mean having a roommate, right?
Being together and living together generally means adapting and growing together.
However, some couples like to remain individual. Sure, in most cases such couples experience a certain distance between the partners since they do so few things together. But, if such a routine works for them, then there isn’t anything inherently wrong in remaining your individual self in a relationship. It can even have some beneficial impact on the relationship.
Now, couples who don’t live together only sync with each other for a specific amount of time during a week. And, that time becomes more and more planned as the relationship progresses. Rarely do they do the dishes together, clean the apartment or, actually sleep together. Such relationships are based on ‘each having their own bed’ literally and figuratively.
The Notion of Sleeping At The Same Time
Now, as we could see, the couples who are the most likely to go to bed together are the ones who share space and are completely adapted to being in a serious relationship. But, why is it so important to go to sleep at the same time every night for both partners? What is there to be gained? After all, sleeping together all the time can even start being annoying, right?
Well, sharing a bed has its benefits, otherwise, people wouldn’t do it, ever. Studies have shown that sleep (sleeping together) affects a relationship significantly.
For example, going to bed at the same time means there is a chance for sharing physical intimacy, cuddling, or making love. It may sound pretty traditional, but the majority of people like to share intimacy in the bed, at night, especially if they’re really busy and tired throughout the day.
The bed is a safe space where only you and your partner exist, outside all the daily encounters at the job, at family gatherings, the supermarket, and other types of distractions.
Lying next to each other and cuddling before sleep can also encourage serotonin and melatonin production in both partners. It lowers your heart rate, relieves stress and even physical pain.
Cuddling also increases the production of oxytocin, also known as the ‘love hormone’. It makes you feel happier, less stressed, and more connected to your partner. Not to mention that oxytocin has incredible calming effects and helps both partners fall asleep faster, and remain asleep longer and firmer.
Now, unless your partner is a hot sleeper (not hot as in good looking, but hot as in physically hot and sweaty during sleep), sleeping could help your body regulate the temperature much better. For example, if it’s cold in the room, sleeping next to your partner can make you feel warm, especially as your body temperature decreases during sleep.
And finally, even though routine in a relationship can be devastating, it can be healthy for both partners to stick to a routine sleeping schedule for numerous reasons. Going to bed at the same time affects one’s circadian rhythm and ensures one’s sleep is of good quality. The circadian rhythm like the routine, and going to bed every night at the same time can be essential for your overall wellbeing.
Moreover, people who go to bed at the same time every night will also wake up at the same time every morning. They’re more likely to be successful in their daily endeavors or to be in a better mood and more spontaneous with their partners.
The Notion Of Not Going To Bed Together
Now, however beneficial it may be to go to sleep at the same time as your partner, we still need to remain realistic. One’s sleep is affected by a number of external influences throughout the day, and those influences are not the same for both you and your partner.
Sometimes one partner is less tired than the other, or simply has a different circadian rhythm. Other times, one partner has more work to complete or is more of a night owl than a morning person.
Even though couples tend to become similar in a lot of things throughout their relationship, it is unrealistic to think that both will experience a day in the same way and have the same sleep routines and preferences. Couples still comprise individuals that are inherently different but share similarities, and that is perfectly fine.
We believe it is best for couples who live together, or are married, to try and find the middle ground. Sometimes both partners should try to go to the bed at the same time, and other times, depending on their day and work, they can go to bed whenever they feel like it.
In an ideal world, both partners would cuddle up every night at the same time and fall asleep. But, life is not ideal, people are different, have different needs and preferences. However, since sleeping together carries a lot of benefits, couples should try sleeping together at the same time at least a few times a week.
Talking To Your Partner (About This Topic)
If this is a topic that bothers you, and you’d like to discuss it with your partner, we say go for it. Everyone should express their concerns and what they want from a relationship. If you and your partner never go to bed at the same time, the consequences can be bad for the overall relationship. So, it is important to have a conversation and find the middle ground.
Here are some things you should consider asking your partner during the conversation;
- Do they think it is enough for you two to only connect and talk throughout the day, or is it important to do as before sleep as well?
- Do they prefer to have sex before sleep or would they want to change the ‘schedule’?
- Do they wish to cuddle and be intimate for some time during the day, or before sleep?
- Do they wish you share daytime naps instead of going to bed at the same time?
- Do your sleeping issues (like snoring, restlessness, sleep apnea, etc.) bother them, and is that the reason they like to go to bed at a different time?
As you can see, these questions are intended to have both partners included in a discussion and find a middle ground. The point is to understand each other’s needs, preferences, and concerns.
Sometimes one partner snores loudly or suffers from sleep apnea. This can be devastating for both partners’ sleep quality. Other times one partner is a hot sleeper, which can add further sleeping difficulties for both of you.
So, by discussing, making compromises, and understanding each other, you can find your own sleeping routine that fits both of your’s preferences and needs. You don’t need to follow the traditional rule of having to go to bed at the same time. But, for you to keep the connection and intimacy as a part of the relationship, compromise is much needed, and so it some together-time every day.
Causes Of Couples Not Going To Bed A The Same Time
We mentioned some of the possible causes couples sleep at the different schedules, but we’d like to discuss this more thoroughly. People tend to dismiss the important notion of understanding why the partner doesn’t go to sleep as you, which can be crucial to resolving the situation.
So, some of the main causes of couples sleeping at different times include;
- Loud snoring
- Sleep apnea (or use of a CPAP machine which can be loud)
- Working late, or working a night shift
- Watching TV or scrolling the phone
- One is a hot sleeper, and the other is not
- Having different preferences of the room setting during sleep (amount of light, room temperature, noise, bed coverings, etc.)
- Having a child (this can be especially hard for mothers who have to feed or sleep-train the child)
- Sleep disorders (sleep anxiety or insomnia)
- Weird sleeping positions
These might be the main reasons couples go to bed at different times. It might be that both just want to get optimal sleep, and they cannot do it with such distractions. Some couples go as far as sleeping in different rooms, which can have snowball effects and develop into a big relationship issue. It is essential couples talk about this and find a proper solution that fits both partners’ needs.
Having a proper conversation with a partner is the key to the solution to any problem. It is also important to understand that your partner has different needs and may not be able to go to bed as you all the time. Finding the middle ground is the key if partners have different preferences. And if they share the same needs, then they might as well go to the bed at the same time and enjoy their blessings as much as they can.